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Nzi hufuata asali

Swahili proverb

I am a spider, and you are not. You are a fly. I am a solitary creature. If you see me, stay in the crowd. If I talk to you, run, or before you know it, you’re part of the swarm on my shoulder.

Let me tell you about flies.

Having read about the first fly I swatted, you probably understand that not long after I found myself on a plane – off to Africa. The plane had a clear goal, but I didn’t have a particular destination in mind. I had to leave, but didn’t care where to. Next to me, in seat 79E in a KLM-747 (I was on the aisle), was a sweet looking African girl bawling her eyes out.

I offered her a napkin and a conversation. Not because I suddenly cared about someone else, but the sobbing sounds bugged me. Strangling her would have solved that problem too, but getting away with murder on an intercontinental flight – well, I wasn’t experienced enough for that yet. As it turns out, she’d been in my country for two months to meet the on line love of her life. He happened to be married and his wife was into threesomes. She first tried to go along with it, tried to become his favourite, and ended up with the short end of the bargain – sobs on a plane. Next to me.

I gave her a shoulder to cry on. I showed her I understood her pain. By the time we hit the ground of her home country, she fell into my arms like an insatiable love doll.

She showed me the local more or less famous churches, she showed me some colonial buildings, she showed me some ancient and modern tourist traps, but mostly she showed me beds like a fly drawn to honey. Nothing helps you forget an old love like a new fling, so she flung herself at me with a ferocity that surprised me. However, cracks in this horny picture started showing when I started feeling like her pet. She once even said that she believed the only thing necessary to keep a man tied to a woman, was a regular milking; like a cow.

Don’t get me wrong. The sex was amazing. She had a cute face, with a lovely smile. Eyes so dark they were pools to swim in. She kept her hair short, as she hated tending to long frizzy hair. She had fairly large breasts, and – as far as I was experienced – rather wide hips, but that didn’t hamper any orgasms. Not hers, nor mine, and she was into anal. She was my first, doing that with; and boy was that tight! Mind you, this was only the second girl I’d ever been with. It was overwhelming. I was almost starting to think that going at it for hours on end at least six times a week was normal.

No, it wasn’t always hours on end. There were quickies too. I remember a library toilet visit blowjob. I remember her silently orgasming on a sleeper train. I even remember her going commando in a cab, sitting on my lap; you can imagine what happened next.

And then she dropped the L-word; and I knew it was time to swat this fly. It wasn’t easy. I needed to get out clean, and too many people and places had seen us together. So I took her somewhere new. We drove to the north-west for a couple of hours, where I knew there were some interesting nature walks. She always said she’d wanted to go, so I took her there. This area had some steep cliffs, and a plateau on the edge. We walked along the plateau, to the rim. Once alone, close to the edge, she went down and started to unbutton my fly – I guess she thought her cow needed milking. But I am no cow, I am a spider. So instead of letting her blow me dry, I put my knee up, which made her lose her balance.

I don’t even remember her scream. Or the look of surprise on her face. I never saw her body hit the rocks below. I turned around, buttoned up my fly and walked down the path we’d come, free as a raging bull. It wasn’t long before I found a tattoo artist to add a fly to my shoulder way from the spider, and further to the north-west, I caught a plane north; no, not back to my home country, but I had to get out quickly, so I took the first flight out of there.

As you know, I’m a spider. I’m a solitary creature. And the flies on my shoulder are a reminder of the ones I swatted. There’s a whole bunch of them now. Fear me. You may be next.

Dit is een hoofdstuk uit het boek Bekentenissen van mijn leven als spin. Dit zeldzame werk is hier te bestellen.

This is a chapter from the book Confessions of my life as a spider. This rare book is for sale here, and shipping world wide.