“You know what the problem is? Sinners are too lazy even to go to confession. That’s why so many of them die!”

So I went around and had a look.

First I dove into the cinematography, to familiarize myself more with the topic. Very enlightening was indeed the film Se7en, although the ultimate sinner in the end wasn’t a lazy bugger at all.

Then I hung around Catholic churches. The most interesting thing I found there, was that most people pass by the place. I asked several people for their opinion, and while some answered Allahu Akbar, Dominus vobiscum, or something of a similar meaning, others were extremely ignorant on the matters of higher faith.

Only when entered a boardroom did I find a knowledgeable guy peeling an onion in the shape of the chair. The chair turned out to be a big sinner, but voodoo turned out not to be an adequate punishment.

All in all, I found very few lazy people out on the road – other than those taking the car to go a quarter-mile – and I found even fewer people coming in for confession.

So was my daddy right?

I don’t think so. You can’t blame a sloth for er… well, for being itself. You can’t blame a termite for his ability to take down the house. It’s not the sins for which the sinners die! It’s not even the sinners alone who die; it’s all of us that die. Death’s just a fact of life, inherent to birth.

So why are they called mortal sins? Just to scare us? I think there’s another reason. I think it’s not because committing them actually kills us, but because committing a mortal sin destroys all our chances to reach true happiness. Have you, for example, ever seen a happy man staying in bed all his life?

Comfortable, such a man surely is, but happiness comes with living a full and fulfilling life. And staying in bed, doing nothing, isn’t the way to get just there.

The solution for this is surprisingly simple: buy chilli peppers. And anyone you see being a lazy cunt, just quickly and quietly put one of them where the sun doesn’t shine. This is even more effective than ants in the pants!