Daddy said… (20)

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daddy said, feet

You know the problem is, that there’s too much blue in the Danish!

I didn’t see that problem, but I went out and had a look.

With his reference to the Danish, I first went to Denmark. There I found the weather to be wet and depressing, and I found many people felt rather blue. Quite like the Dutch, few ever smiled. However, I’m not a stand-up comedian, so I decided to check first if there was another meaning to my Daddy’s comment.

I went into a restaurant and saw on the menu a Danish Blue sandwich. As it was lunch time, I ordered one. To feel more comfortable during lunch, I kicked off my shoes and sat back – happily awaiting the food. Even before my sandwich reached the table, the smell of the cheese reached my nose, and then it hit me: daddy was talking about my feet.

With renewed interest, I went out and had another look. And I found that many people suffer from malodorous feet, in one way or another. Smelly feet are usually ascribed to sweaty feet, which is only partly true. It’s the interaction between the sweat and the bacteria that live in your skin.

So was my daddy right?

I don’t think so. You can’t blame the chameleon for changing colours! You can’t blame the skunk for stinking! And a lack of fresh noble blood is not what makes your feet smell; it’s not caused by the blue in your feet, and it’s sure not from all those elephants stepping on your long toes.

There are many products available to keep your feet from smelling, they all cost a continuous stream of money – discontinuing their use will defeat their purpose. There is, however, a simpler solution, and cheaper than you might expect. All you need is three long lasting products.

The first one is a large pair of clogs – you know, the wooden shoes the Dutch wear. Second, you need an old computer fan (old being an adjective to computer). And lastly a battery packed in the top of the shoe – of course, the rechargeable kind. Then cut the front of the shoe out, and insert the fan, connected to the battery. This set-up will keep fresh air flowing past your feet for hours at a time. And as long as the sweat from your feet evaporates, the bacteria will stay where they are, and not turn to cheese.

All you have to do is carry a spare battery, or a charger. I guarantee you, batteries are cheaper than smelly-feet-spray!

Previously posted on My.Opera, when they still had a blogging service. I’m rerunning the Daddy Said series here; when I feel like, I’ll write a new episode. This one I wrote in 2009. Do you think I could win a fashion award for this shoe-design?

Daddy said… (19)

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alcoholism, daddy said

You know the problem with memory is, there’s so much people need to forget!

So I went to the bottom of many a glass, and often the bottle too, and had a lllllook.

And I found that alcohol does indeed cause temporary memory loss. But once one comes out of the inebriation, memory hits twice as hard, because with every bit of alcohol consumed, you get smarter. Well, according to the Buffalo Theory:

When a herd of (North American) buffaloes gets hunted naturally, and starts running, the strong ones run at the front, and the weaker ones at the back. The weaker ones will be caught first, thus the group as a whole gets stronger. When you drink alcohol, some brain cells die. These are, naturally, the weaker brain cells. This is why you feel so clever after ten beers.

I also found that people going through painful experiences, turned to the bottom of many a bottle, not just the glass. When going through an expensive divorce, forgetting the pain through alcohol is not really effective: the side effects are just too cumbersome. Before you know it, you’ll be on the floor, either being beaten, pretend to beat someone else, or just rolling around in regurgitated booze and fast food. But with big enough troubles, the relief obviously seems worth this drawback.

So was my daddy right?

I don’t think so. You can’t blame an elephant for remembering his childhood foe! You can’t blame a dog for not realising it’s its own tail that it’s chasing!

When battling alcoholism, the first generally accepted step is accepting that you are addicted. I say this step is wholly unnecessary. Admitting you drink, is not the hard part. Because it’s not the desire for the alcohol that keeps you drinking! It’s the persistence of the problems that keep driving you mad and thus drunk.

I suggest instead, to adopt the Dutch approach for drugs: make it free. Provide free alcohol to anyone who admits to have a drinking problem. This will take away one appeal of the drink (‘I shouldn’t, but…’), and it will alleviate the financial burden of a drinking problem. With money to spare, many problems can be solved, and thus the core of the drinking problem will evaporate.

A side effect of this approach is that ex-alcoholics will be near-geniuses once their alcohol dependency is relieved. Imagine what we’ll achieve once this approach has been in place world wide for a few years… This will make the world a better place indeed!

Previously posted on My.Opera, when they still had a blogging service. I’m rerunning the Daddy Said series here; when I feel like, I’ll write a new episode. This one I wrote in 2009. On a little side note here, I feel I should add that I don’t really believe to have solve alcoholism. Any addiction is a disease and should be treated; I’m no expert, but this text is just for entertainment purposes.

Daddy said… (18)

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daddy said

You know the problem with the poor people is that money rules their life!

So I went out and had a look.

I went over to the nearest slum, and I found many people working the craziest jobs for scraps of money. They’d do anything for money. In exchange for a bit of cash, one would carry me on his back, another would allow me to penetrate her anywhere, and yet another was offering to kill me if I didn’t give him money. Money seemed to be almost constantly on everybody’s mind. I also found that a little bit of money, takes you a long way – all the way across the slum. When I came out on the other end, I found that prices rose dramatically, but other than that nothing much changed.

Even with loads of money, all people could think of was just that: money. And even filthy rich people were willing to do the craziest things to increase their wealth. One was running a limousine service, another an upscale brothel, and yet another offered to kill me if I gave him some money. Also here, money was on everybody’s mind.

So was my daddy right?

I don’t think so. You can’t blame gravity for causing a fall! You can’t blame the sun for the night! Money is not the cause of poverty. It’s the value we give it.

Take a look at the happiest families around, for example. They’ll do anything for each other without the use of money, just the exchange of love; valuing merely the services rendered, not the coins changing hands.

When trying to rid the world of poverty, we could donate to charity. We could also make poor people work harder, and pay them fairly for their efforts, but all of this is being done by many socially concerned bleeding hearts, but there’s plenty of evidence that it isn’t working.

The most effective option is one that is easily done, but everyone has to help. We should value money only to the paper it is printed on, or the the data-carriers it’s transported on. Value the coins only to the possibility to make use of their material. Then, not having money won’t be a problem. The only thing important will be the ability to work; the ability to make things or render services. Would you want a stack of paper, in exchange for the table you made? Would you want a lump of nickel in exchange for the massage you gave? No! You’d want your tires fixed or a house built in exchange for the miracle you’ve just performed.

So expect a favour in return for a favour, and a thing in return for a thing! This way, there’ll be no place for poverty in the world!

And of course, thou shall love thy neighbour.

Previously posted on My.Opera, when they still had a blogging service. I’m rerunning the Daddy Said series here; when I feel like, I’ll write a new episode. This one I wrote in 2009.

Daddy said… (17)

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daddy said, motion sickness

You know what the problem is? People with motion sickness are just too fidgety.

So I went out and had a look.

In the places where I found the most fidgety people, there also was a lot of sick, but it didn’t seem due to the movement. In the nursery, the kids never stopped moving – or puking – but the adults around there assured me that this was normal. Having recently had a son of my own, I must say, it’s surprising how little milk the brat actually needs; he throws up so much! Surprisingly though, especially when he’s lying still in his bed.

Then I rode the bus. It didn’t make me sick in the least. First I sat in the front, where I could look at the road ahead. My mother insisted that this was the place where no one got sick. So I moved to the back. After I’d wriggled my lovely behind between two fellow passengers, I waited for the great regurgitation, but also here it didn’t come.

Next I placed my bum in a seat halfway down the aisle, which very shortly after concluded my research. The person I had landed next to, asked me why I was so restless; and I realised that I’d moved more than my fellow tourists, yet I hadn’t the slightest form of sickness. So to kill the remaining 12 of the 13 hour bus-ride, I decided to read a book.

So was my daddy right?

It doesn’t seem so. You can’t blame a cow for regurgitating. You can’t blame a Llama for spitting. It’s not the fidgeting that makes you sick! It wasn’t until I started reading that I got sick; but perhaps I’m lucky, because during my hours in the bus, I talked to quite a few people who felt sick without reading.

While for some the cause for motion sickness may seem obvious, I still feel the need to mention it here. It’s not fidgeting, it’s a person’s sensitivity to being shaken, or stirred for those suffering seasickness.

This leads to an easy conclusion: If you know you’re prone to motion sickness, you need to invest in a decent computer and a great internet connection. This way, you never have to leave your home. Great travel blogs, vlogs and vr-experiences are out there, and even greater ‘work from home’ opportunities float around the web – many more in 2020! And thus the only reason to get out of your armchair is to go over to the kitchen, or the nearest six-12 (I wouldn’t dare making an ad here!) for some food. Now who can’t do that on foot?

As some sources say that nearly 80% of the people suffer from motion sickness in one form or other, this will instantly solve many problems in the world; too many to list here, but other than traffic problems, I suggest you let your imagination run wild!

Previously posted on My.Opera, when they still had a blogging service. I’m rerunning the Daddy Said series here; when I feel like, I’ll write a new episode. This one I wrote in 2009, and made one slight change, now – did you notice? I thought I’d post this anticipating the reopening of society; some thoughts before we go to work in the office again.