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I want you bad

The Offspring

I still am a spider, though I don’t feel so dangerous right now. I scaled the north-east pillar of the highway bridge built next to the train bridge described by Nijhoff in 1934. I’m hiding here, sharing my story with you, before, if worst comes to worst, I bleed out. Once I thought the flies on my shoulder would be a memory of the flies I killed; a memory that would last forever. But it turns out, tattoos go when the wearer passes. Not straight away, but they will turn to unrecognisable dust. And the flies I swatted deserve more than that. So I decided, a little while ago, to write these confessions. Just in case my wounds can’t be healed.

While waiting for the artist to get ready to ink my German fly into my arm, she left the shop. She’d just had an awesome, rather large, tattoo placed on one of the most painful places to get a tattoo, yet she left the shop with a smile Mona Lisa would envy. She was perhaps a bit short, but beneath her clothes, she appeared to have beautiful breasts, firm legs, nice ankles and a fiery light in her eyes. And that smile… She caught my gaze and winked at me when she left.

I instantly lost my senses – but knew what I had to do, now. I managed to nick her phone number from the appointments computer screen. I sent her a message, admitting what I’d done, and telling her why: I wanted to get to know her. “Your smile created a connection between us.”

ģ •

Korean untranslatable word

Something happened to me, there and then. I realised I was starting to spin the largest web I’d ever spun. This web was meant to catch her, sure, but not to trick her. From the get go I was honest – I told her everything, except for the details I’ve committed to these pages.

And she seemed to reciprocate. Our affection developed on line, and I’m pretty sure that it was mutual. She quite literally blew my mind several times. Once this relationship shifted off line, it didn’t take long before we kissed. I didn’t feel quite like myself. I felt like our minds expanded together into the universe, imploding with a huge white flash. I loved it; this didn’t scare me away, although perhaps it should have.

To those who’ve grown attached to my pornographic details in the previous episodes, I have to apologise; I truly do not recall the physical side of sex with this woman. The only recollection I have is the mind blowing metaphysical exercise of being with her (surely enhanced by the physical contact). This New Sensation made me feel alive in a way I’d not experienced before, but it also took me away from reality in a way no drugs could. I showed my true self to her, and I thought she did the same.

But all she did was show me a strictly controlled mirror image of herself from deep behind her walls. Walls she kept up, and was able to keep up in a way no fly had ever managed. I realised too late that she was no fly; such a rarity in my world, I hadn’t been able to anticipate.

When she first touched me, her paws had been soft and gentle. Once she knew she had really touched my cold, dark and solitary heart, her paws quickly turned into menacing claws. They easily punctured my spider protection because she is no fly: she is a tigress. Like any large cat, she didn’t really mean to, I’m sure. I am not her prey. And now she and I share the same life missing out

In pain, I withdrew and ran – bleeding from the punctures her claws had made. I ran and knew I had to hide. If she catches me again, that’ll be the end of my life as a spider; I’ll be attached to her claws for good. If she doesn’t, I may bleed out right here.

The sun has gone down ages ago. I’m wearing jeans and a singlet. My tattoos showing in the cold moonlight. The lights around me betray a world that continues living – blissfully unaware of the spider over looking the river – looking upstream towards his birthplace.

Will I ever see that place again? If she finds me here, I may, but not as a spider, but as a tigress’. If someone else finds me, they may take me to the hospital; which I will survive, but I’ll live with her scars in my chest till the end of my days. Or I may just sit here and bleed out – never to be heard from again. Only the future will tell…

Now I’m not one to talk, ‘cause I know I have my faults,
But even I know you can’t evolve by building up your walls.

Sum 41