Daddy said… (29)

Tags

christmas, corona, daddy said, in-laws

You know what the problem is? People love their in-laws so much, they have to eat with them for two days!

So I went out and had a look.

And as it turns out, lots of people do hate their in-laws. Like there was this single-file row of men following a hearse¹. And there are of course other ways to get rid of your in-laws. And in The Netherlands, people tend to torture themselves to walk around the local Ikea – or similar megastores – with their in-laws. If this doesn’t tell your in-laws that you hate their guts (I mean, come on – is this a fun way to spend Boxing Day?), I don’t know what does.

But apparently, some people also enjoy spending time with their in-laws. On Christmas day – dinner with her parents; on Boxing Day – dinner with is. And the amount of food is staggering during such meals. To live through such a meal, one would really need to appreciate the people at the table; otherwise it would be double or triple torture!

So was my daddy right?

I don’t think so! You can’t blame a penguin for mating for life! You can’t blame a Stegodyphus dumicola‘s young to eat it’s mother!

It’s not the aversion, nor the love we have for our in-laws that drives us to eat so much with them. And of course, if the meal turns out too gluttonous, you could easily drop a stink-bomb in the food. But that wouldn’t solve the problem of too much love for the in-laws – or the tedious Christmas dinners.

As I have already shown, there’s both love and hate for the in-laws on this planet. Plenty of it, too. So all we need to solve is the tediousness of those obligatory dinners. And, my dear readers, the solution has already presented itself; it came into existence late 2019 in China, and has spread all over the planet since. Forgive me for mentioning the dreaded virus: this latest corona-virus is the solution to all these problems. Just ensure no vaccine becomes available, ever, and for many Christmases to come, we can hide behind the lockdown rules of our governments to avoid tedious unpleasantness. And of course, if the lock down feels like too much of a lock up for you? Well then, fuck it – just go with the flow, and eat, feast and meet with people you enjoy being around. At worst, you will spread the virus a little more – which will only make sure the lock up (I mean, lock down) lasts longer – hopefully well into the next Christmas, so those of us who don’t want to eat with the in-laws can be grateful to you.

The Daddy Said series was previously posted on MyOpera – when it still had a blogging service. On this occasion, to make up for having missed another Monday (due to the fact that I was pre-occupied with a new sweetheart), I’ve written a whole new episode. I hope you enjoyed it. The next episode is likely to appear on January 11^th 2020.

Footnote 1: I once saw a strange thing in my street. A hearse rolled through, followed by a man and his dog, and a single-file row of about 50 men. I first went silent respecfully, but then curiosity got the best of me – so I walked up to the man with the dog and asked what happened. The man replied that the dog had killed his mother-in-law. “Oh, I’m sorry,” I replied, and then hesitated for a minute. “Would you lend me the dog for a while?” “Oh, sure,” he replied. “Just get in line and wait for your turn.”

Daddy said… (15)

Tags

corona, covid-19, daddy said, solution

You know what the problem is? People ‘d rather be six feet under than six feet apart! That’s why one virus quickly turns into a pandemic.

So I went out and had a look. And at first, oh grand surprise, it seemed my daddy was right! Despite health officials’ sternest of advice, people got together in grand numbers. People got together to protest, to party, to go shopping or to go to the beach; most were aware of the advice, and ignored it wilfully. Very few were unaware.

Some of the people who were aware, though, screamed to stay out of their aura. I saw them trying to maintain a distance, yet continuing to live their life. This seemed a tough challenge. I mean, getting groceries and other stuff delivered is easy; even exhibitionism is easy during a lock down. But what seems to be a little more difficult, is maintaining real human connection. Everyone needs a hug sometimes, and we all desire just a little more than that, but six feet apart, a condom isn’t really necessary, is it?

So was my daddy right?

I don’t think so. People don’t desire death! You can’t blame a phoenix for igniting! You can’t blame bees for sticking together! It’s not that people have become suicidal that makes them flock together, it’s the desire for human connection, for a human touch, that drives us to ignore the advice of health officials.

And the harsh reality is that nature has no moral conscience (disregarding some monkeys). Nature creates something when a pest becomes too incessant; humanity has been called a plague before. Now something has come into the world that will not end us all, but is starting to thin the population a little. And us, moral creatures that we are, have our knickers in a not.

Another harsh truth is that we will all die, sooner or later; for most people that, of course, happens rather later than sooner. But one way to rid ourselves of the advice (or laws) that force us to stay six feet apart, is to say our goodbyes to our loved ones, mourn everyone in your life as if they were dead already, and migrate. Each of us should move to a place where they know nobody. We should take eachother’s jobs and homes, form new families and communities. And while we’re forming new relationships, some of us will die due to covid-19 – but that won’t matter, because the people who care about us, already mourn our loss. That way, those of us who survive this virus, will be able to love and be loved all the time; just by new people.

This, obviously, is a new post in the Daddy Said series.

Daddy said… (2)

Tags

corona, covid-19, disease, solved

“You know what the problem is, the first step to getting sick, is thinking you are. And people are soo feeble minded! If we all were as stubborn as a mule, covid-19 wouldn’t stand a chance!”

So I went out and had a look.

I travelled far and wide, and opened my eyes especially in places with many sick people; there happen to be quite a few of those at the moment! I went to Bumrungrad hospital, for example. I couldn’t make up my mind though, if the people there were stubborn or not. Rich, they were, but stubborn?

So I visited the Home for the Dying in Calcutta, and was struck by the stubbornness there. Both personnel and patients were stubborn; one refused to quit caring, the other refused to die. The latter were sick though, but many clung to life as if it were their only hope.

Lastly I visited Washington D.C., where I found out a very stubborn man lived in a rather large white building. He was so stubborn, he wanted to inject himself with disinfectant. I don’t know if he did, in the end – but I didn’t notice him getting sick.

So was my daddy right?

Obviously not. You can’t blame the mad cow for going bonkers! You can’t blame a street dog for picking up fleas and fungus! It is not the state of mind that causes the diseases, it’s a discovery done by the Russians back in 1892: a tiny thing called a virus.

Unfortunately, time travel is impossible, so killing those damn Russians who discovered the virus is impossible. So what can we do, to get the whole world healthy? The answer is simple enough: we should all become good at break-dancing, and instead of steadily walk down the street, dance! Dance! DANCE! A virus after all, is just a thing, like any other. Bound by laws of physics and such. So instead of trying to kill it – killing a fly is hard enough (unless you’re a spider), a virus is much smaller – we should aim to avoid it by making many sudden movements. A virus will be heading for us, and because of our sudden movement, it will not be able to reach its goal. Frustrated, the virus will search for a new target, and if that new target turns out unreachable, the virus might just as well give up already. If not at that point, it surely will soon!

It will take some time before we drive all viruses crazy with frustration, especially a virus as stubborn as the covid-19 virus. Avoiding it is hard, as it’s too small to be seen, so it’s hard to gauge its trajectory. But with enough break dancing practice world wide, I’m sure we can beat each and every virus within a year. I herewith call on anyone, no longer to walk down the road, but to dance, Dance, DANCE!

Previously posted on My.Opera, with slight tweaks to fit 2020. I’m rerunning the Daddy Said series here; when I feel like, I’ll write a new episode. This one I wrote in 2009.